Lemonade

I'm pretty sure we have all heard the saying, when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. What if I told you that I have had my fair share of making lemonade, and I am getting over the taste of lemons. Very random, I know, but not random to me. The past few months have shown me that accessibility is in arms reach and the decision to leave is what's worse.

Clinic has been very interesting. Interesting in the way that I come home everyday and question not only my sanity but the will to continue. Can those two really be differentiated? I ask myself if stress is the build up to my actions or if my actions are what's causing me stress. Overall, this stage in my life has shown me that I truly do not know what is next. I am a walking contradiction at this point, and I wonder if that was always the case.

Perfect timing to be listening to the song "Roadkill" by Searows. I guess that explains perfectly how I feel.

Seeing patients has been a very big challenge, not one I am complaining about, but a feeling I never knew I would have. I feel scared walking into school, I guess that's the part of being a fourth year student with all of the responsibilities on your side. I struggle with the idea of being competent or being just there. I never imagined myself in a role where I personally take charge, to come so soon. I am 26 years old but I still question If I am enough to move forward. Is it insane to also think the opposite? I feel competent and ready for the journey. But the small whisper in my ear becomes louder as I walk down the hallway and imagine myself so small.

My life has shifted from happiness and gentleness to worry and guilt. Is that the consequences of making lemonade? I think I will stay away for a while, if I even have the courage to do so.

Somewhere in Dearborn, Michigan