The New Year

I am thirteen days late to the new year, does that say something about me? If it does, I am choosing to ignore it.

Happy New Year! 2026 seems like a far away memory I have never lived. The best thing about starting the new year is being able to get rid of habits you once had, or at least try to get rid of them. It feels almost like a clean slate, but a clean slate doesn't always have to be on the first. I will be taking advantage of this new start, and continue being the person I want to become.

This year I want to focus on what I find important. Interestingly enough, when I was younger I had a better sense of myself. I dove into my interests more than ever. I question why that changes with age. I guess I have to cut myself some slack for the position I am in. I am in Dental School and I can testify that I am not the same person I once was. Is that devastating? Absolutely. While I am in school I feel that I am drifting away from myself and slowly sliding towards a reality I never imagined.

I have always daydreamed about my life, constantly. Every free moment I have I spend thinking of a positive future. But, I have to ask myself, what really happens when you accomplish something? Do I continue daydreaming, or do I enjoy my current situation. Does success take away gratitude? Or does success take away motivation? In my case, I feel extreme gratitude for my life, but at times I feel my stomach caving in on itself. My fear stems from feeling completely invisible. As I walk around school, I feel my face is a blur that people can't help but walk passed. Do they really hear my voice and perceive me? I feel so unseen, but could that work in my favor?

I think the disconnect I feel arises from my lack of commitment and sudden lethargy. Apart of me also doesn't believe that. I think my happiness has changed and I don't want to continue being rained on in private. As I read my own writing, I can't help but feel pity for myself.

Do I tend to forget you are my only reason? I think I am stuck in feeling the need to prove myself. Am I worthy in every moment of the day? I am not so sure. I just want to go back to what once felt normal. Today is a start, thank you.